


what desire will make foolish people do

by CheapLemonIceLolly



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not Hockey Player(s), Auston is a terrible boyfriend in this!, Emotional Infidelity, M/M, brief cameo from Zach Werenski, but Willy is too, but this is a story about lying and excuses and guilt, renowned children’s author Zach Hyman, so proceed with caution I guess, technically no cheating, twitter stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 11:28:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13903077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheapLemonIceLolly/pseuds/CheapLemonIceLolly
Summary: It starts off as a case of mistaken identity, but that’s only the first mistake.





	what desire will make foolish people do

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a funny post about a girl who stalked her boyfriend’s ex online only to find out it was someone else with the same name, and then they became best friends. It gave me Ideas about all the hockey boys who have the same name, and then what was supposed to be a quick little fic ran away from me and turned into this strange meditation on guilt, and the lies we tell ourselves to feel better, and putting strangers on a pedestal, and the soul sucking inertia of bad relationships. So, like. Fun!
> 
> Zach Hyman almost never tweets, but I figure if he was a full time author and not a busy hockey player he probably would. All the writers I know never stop tweeting.
> 
> This started out anonymous because I felt weird about posting something where everyone’s kind of awful, but I wrote it in 3 days so apparently I needed to. And you were all so nice that it made me feel better, so hi! It's me!
> 
> (Title from Wicked Game by Chris Isaak)

Auston kind of talks about his ex a lot.

Will’s not a particularly jealous person - well, look at him, it’s not as if he needs to be - but honestly it’s starting to get a little old.

It’s not, like, wistful or nostalgic or anything. Mostly Auston talks about what an asshole the ex was, how much better Will is for him, but it’s still kind of annoying. Like, compliments are great but they lose their shine a little when they always turn into: “You’re so good for me, babe, god, My Ex always used to…”

He always refers to him like that, too. Not by his name but as My Ex. It makes Will feel like Auston’s still tied to the ex somehow, like part of him still belongs to Auston and vice versa. Will’s never met him, never even seen a picture of him, but he’s still inescapable, like a shadow that follows Auston everywhere.

So no, Will’s not a jealous dude, but his boyfriend’s stupid ex is always on his mind anyway. So when he stumbles on a twitter account with the ex’s name and a bunch of mutual followers, it’s only natural that he’s curious, right? Anyone would be curious about a stranger they literally never stop hearing about.

“Hey, I think I found your ex on twitter,” he says casually, watching Auston out of the corner of his eye to see how he’ll react. “Zach, right?”

“Huh,” Auston says, without looking up from his phone. Will _might_ be imagining it, but he thinks he sees Auston tense up slightly, just for a second. Then he shrugs, noncommittal. “Yeah, could be.”

Will scrolls through a few pages of tweets but Zach doesn’t seem to post any selfies so he can’t check with Auston if he’s got the right dude. Which is weird, right? It’s like, what’s the point of social media if you’re not regularly reminding the world how hot you look? Auston’s always going on about how sexy The Ex was - which, again, hello, has he actually looked at his own boyfriend lately? - but honestly Will’s kind of sceptical now. How hot can he be if he never posts selfies?

Unless he’s so hot he doesn’t even _need_ to post selfies. God, that’s probably it, isn’t it. Hot Ex Zach is one of those guys who’s so confident in his own hotness he doesn’t crave external validation at all. He just looks in the mirror and _knows_ he’s perfect.

Will drums his fingers on his thigh, frowning.

“I’m bored,” he says at last, nudging Auston with his knee. “You wanna make out?”

That, at least, gets him to look up. He shrugs and put his phone down. “Yeah, alright.”

Well, at least this is something Will knows he’s good at.

*

“Your boyfriend’s a dick,” Kappy tells him, draining the last of his dumb fruity cocktail with the umbrella in it. “You know that, right?”

Will shrugs and swirls his beer around in the bottom of the bottle. He’d honestly rather have the fruity cocktail right now, though he’d never admit it, so he steals the cherry off the rim of Kappy’s glass when he’s not looking.

“I mean, yeah,” he says. “But that’s kind of the appeal, in a way.”

“Treat em mean, keep em keen,” Kappy says, like he’s a fifty year old woman. “But seriously, look at you. Why are you drinking with me on a Saturday night?”

“I found his ex on twitter,” Will says. “I mean that’s not why, I just did. Yesterday.”

Kappy rolls his eyes. “Ugh, the hot asshole ex,” he says, sounding bored. “See, that’s exactly what I mean. Why do you even know enough about his ex to find him on twitter?”

“I wasn’t, like, searching for him or anything,” Will says defensively, “he just came up.” Like he’s constantly coming up in Will’s home life. “I’ve been reading his tweets, a bit. He actually doesn’t seem that bad?”

From all the stories he’s heard from Auston, Will was kind of expecting someone more...well, okay, this is going to sound bad, but...more like Auston himself. Only worse, obviously. Like, Auston’s social media presence is all carefully curated aesthetics and unsmiling selfies that he thinks make him look hot (like, they _do_ , obviously, but you can tell it’s on purpose). He’s fun in real life but online he comes across as kind of a douche. So far Zach’s twitter feed is mostly cute observations, stuff about his family and his buddies from college, and pictures of dogs he met in the street. Not a thirst trap in sight.

Kappy puts his empty glass down with a clunk.

“No,” he says sternly. “William. No. Do not do this. Don’t be that guy.”

“I’m not! I’m not being anything, I was just curious. Just curious to know more about this dude who was such a dick that Auston can’t stop fucking talking about him.”

“You are!” Kappy exclaims. “You are being that guy, right now! You need to forget about comparing yourself to the hot ex and have an actual conversation about this shit with your dumb boyfriend. Or, no, better yet, you need to dump him and find someone who actually appreciates you.”

Will makes a face. “I’m not going to _dump_ him,” he says. “He appreciates me just fine. In fact,” he leans across the table and lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “he appreciated the fuck out of me last night. Twice. And then again this morning. I’ve been appreciated so good that sitting down is actually kind of--”

“Alright,” Kappy snaps, shoving his hand in Will’s face. “I don’t want to hear this. But there’s more to a good relationship than sex, you know.”

Willy taps his beer bottle against his bottom lip, considering. “More than incredible, athletic, mind-blowing sex?” he says. “I mean, maybe. But honestly, man, I think I’m doing okay.”

*

It really is great sex. So Will’s not quite sure why he finds himself reaching for his phone five minutes after Auston’s rolled off him, loose limbed and sweaty, and sacked out on the other side of the bed.

“Geez,” Auston says. His voice is still all rough around the edges. “It was that good you gotta tweet about it?”

“Yep,” Will reaches out to pat him on the shoulder without looking up from his phone. “The whole world needs to know about your amazing dick. I’m just doing a public service.”

Auston snorts, rolls over and goes pretty much instantly to sleep. And Will spends the next fifteen minutes scrolling back through Zach’s twitter feed. 

He’s conscious that this is a little weird, okay, he’s at least somewhat self aware. But there’s something about Zach’s tweets that’s just, like...oddly charming.

_**@ZachHyman** Dinner for one and a #GilmoreGirls rerun. Perfect date material right here #madeitmyself pic.twitter.com/dnQ7pOgC_

_**@ZachHyman** Thanks to Laura at the Book Nook for helping me find the perfect mother’s day present! Greatest service in town, five stars!_

_**@ZachHyman** I love that there’s a snowboarder called Max Parrot. Exactly the name a parrot would have if it were a snowboarder #newbookidea?_

Will’s not really surprised that Auston would be into someone like this; he’s got a soft, goofy side, even if Will doesn’t really get to see it much. He loves his family, he’s surprisingly good with kids. That’s just not really what he and Will are about, though, which is fine. So, no, it’s not that he’s surprised Auston would have liked someone like Zach, it’s just kind of a surprise that he talks about him like he’s the devil.

Maybe it’s a front, Will thinks as he scrolls past a picture of a puppy Zach met last Sunday. Maybe he saves up all the bad attitude and leaving messages on read for his hookups and just pretends to be sweet and friendly and easygoing online. Because everything he’s putting out there on twitter makes him seem like the perfect boyfriend.

Will’s a pretty good boyfriend, he thinks. Fun, low maintenance and good in bed; all the top qualities most people want in a lover. They’re certainly the things Auston’s always praising him for, anyway.

Sometimes Will thinks he’s as much a part of Auston’s aesthetic as the ripped jeans and black and white insta filters. But it’s not like he’s looking for anything all that deep either. He likes the way Auston’s tongue feels in his mouth, likes the way he looks leaning over him in bed, all flushed and fucked out with his hair falling in his face. The heavy, powerful weight of him driving Will’s face into the mattress. They have a good time when they’re not fucking, too; low expectations, minimal demands, just a couple of chill dudes hanging out. It’s fine. It’s _good_ , whatever Kappy says.

But Will wasn’t expecting The Ex to be so _nice_.

He starts checking Zach’s tweets pretty regularly, until he’s looking at the feed every day, and then multiple times a day. He tells himself it’s not _that_ weird, because he’s not actually _following_ Auston’s ex, just checking on him sometimes. Okay, a lot. But it’s still not weird as long as he just twitter stalks him from a distance and doesn’t interact.

The first time he likes one of Zach’s tweets, it’s a complete accident. There’s this one about The Bachelor finale that makes him laugh, and he just taps like without even thinking about it.

Will freezes, the little red heart staring back at him in smug accusation.

_Cheater._

“I’m not _cheating_ ,” Will says out loud to the empty room. “That’s fucking ridiculous. I don’t even know the guy. I can _like_ someone’s _tweet_ , for fuck’s sake.”

The heart feels like it’s winking at him. _Whatever you say, cheater._

Will puts his phone face down on the couch. And then pushes it down between the couch cushions. And puts another cushion on top of it. Just to be safe.

When Auston comes home Will basically jumps on him before he can even get the door closed. Instead of saying hello, he kisses him, wet and dirty, and it takes Auston about ten seconds to get with the program and back him into the wall so hard Will gasps into his mouth.

“Missed me, huh?” Auston grins.

“Whatever,” Will says, and sticks his tongue out. “Hurry up and take your pants off.”

They don’t make it as far as the bedroom. Some time later, when Will’s cheek is sticking to Auston’s bare stomach and his feet are hanging uncomfortably off the end of the couch, and he’s almost forgotten about twitter and Zach and everything in the satisfying exhaustion of a really fucking good orgasm, Auston shifts irritably underneath him.

“What am I sitting on?” he mutters. Will really does not want to move; he groans when Auston jostles him and closes his eyes and generally makes himself as unhelpful as possible until Auston finds whatever’s bothering him and drops it on Will’s head. “Is this your phone? What’s it doing in the couch?”

“Oh,” says Will with a sick, sinking feeling. “Yeah, I wondered where that was.”

The little twist of guilt in the pit of his stomach never really goes away, after that.

*

“So,” Kappy says casually. “Your twitter likes have been kind of interesting lately.”

If he’s going to feel guilty anyway, Will figures he may as well enjoy himself. He’s abandoned his self-imposed like ban because, really, there’s nothing wrong with liking tweets. He likes tweets all the time. Actually, it would be weirder if he _didn’t_ like things Zach posts when he normally would if they were on anyone else’s account. He’d be _making_ it weird.

Besides, Auston never goes on twitter anymore anyway. Too many words, not enough pictures.

Okay, that was kind of mean.

Will shakes his head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he tells Kappy. “Can’t a guy explore new content without getting the third degree?” He widens his eyes innocently, but Kappy looks unmoved.

“Right,” he says flatly. “New content like some random guy’s tweet about his cousin’s bar mitzvah. Really amazing cutting edge shit, there.”

“Wow, are you like, screening my likes now?” Will says, wrinkling his nose. “It was a cute tweet. What do you care if I have a twitter friend, anyway? You jealous?” 

Okay, so friend is probably pushing it, since he doesn’t follow Zach and they’re definitely not mutuals and they’ve never actually communicated in any way. Zach hasn’t even liked any of Will’s tweets, and he’s been posting a lot of selfies lately, so there’s been plenty of opportunities.

He wonders if Zach knows he’s Auston’s boyfriend. He used to post, like, cute couple selfies all the time but Auston can’t allow photos of himself online that he hasn’t personally vetted and his ever more fussy critiques of Will’s selfie game were getting annoying, so he hasn’t put one up for ages. Auston doesn’t seem to understand that the odd ugly facial expression or unflattering angle selfie is _good_ for your image; it lets people know you’re, like, chill about your looks. A hot guy who posts photos shot from chin level with his tongue hanging out is still hot, but he’s not precious about it, right?

Anyway, Zach hasn’t liked any of his selfies, not the goofy ones or the sexy ones, or the old ones with Auston in them. Not that Will’s keeping track.

“ _Me_ jealous? No,” says Kappy pointedly. Will rolls his eyes.

“I’m not _jealous_ , god. It’s got nothing to do with Auston, I just like reading his tweets. He seems cool.”

“Huh,” Kappy says. “Nothing to do with Auston? Maybe he’s the one who should be jealous.”

*

Usually when Auston has a bad day, Will makes it better with sex. It’s part of the whole good boyfriend thing; neither of them are really big talkers, and Will feels more at home offering a distraction than trying to get Auston to open up about his feelings or whatever. He’s better at sex than listening.

Sometimes, after the distraction sex, Auston’s got just enough feelings left in him to want to cuddle.

It’s nice. Will feels warm and needed and, like, treasured for the first time in ages. He burrows into the hug as much as he dares and closes his eyes.

“Thanks Willy,” Auston says into his hair, lips brushing his temple. “That’s what I like about you. My ex would’ve just said I was being a drama queen.”

“Well, your ex was a dick,” Will says dutifully, like he always does. But he feels a little colder. Zach tweeted a few days ago about an injured bird he’d rescued and taken to the vet, like a goddamn disney princess. Will can’t imagine him calling anyone a drama queen.

Auston lies back and puts his hands behind his head with a sigh.

“Yeah,” he says. He’s silent for a beat. Then he says, “Are you, like, stalking him on twitter?”

Will’s head jerks up. “What? N--why would you say that?” Auston looks over at him.

“No, I didn’t mean...it’s just, you said you found him on twitter ages ago. Just wondered if you’d seen anything else about him. I don’t _care_ , just…” he trails off and shrugs. “Forget about it.”

“Oh, no, sure,” Will says guiltily. “I mean, it’s not like I check it once a day or anything,” - more like two, three, four times a day, at this point - “but yeah, I’ve had a look a couple of times. You know me,” he adds, and flashes Auston an easy grin. “Nosy.”

Auston snorts. “Has he ruined anyone else’s life lately?” he says. He’s trying to sound bored but Will can hear the obvious bitterness undercutting the boredom. “Not that I care.”

“Nah,” Will says lightly. “Don’t think he’s seeing anyone.”

In fact, Will _knows_ he isn’t seeing anyone, because just yesterday he posted this cute, wistful tweet about being ready to meet The One that made Will’s chest go all fluttery. He’s not a romantic, like, at all, but there’s something about how sweet and sort of wholesome Zach is that makes him wonder if maybe he’s been missing out.

“Huh,” says Auston. “Well, whatever. I don’t care.”

Not like Will’s going to get any wistful romance around here.

“Yeah,” he says, rolling over and reaching for his phone. “You said.”

*

It’s not even a particularly good selfie, Will doesn’t think. Like, it’s just of him and Kappy fooling around at lunch, and the angle’s a little awkward and his hair looks kind of dumb, but whatever, he knows what he looks like, he’s not precious about selfies. He posts it anyway. It gets likes almost instantly because, well. They usually do. But when he’s scrolling through his notifications he sees one that makes him feel like he’s swallowed his tongue.

♥ _**Zach Hyman** liked your tweet_

Will puts the phone facedown on the table and swallows. He looks up at Kappy and tries not to make any particular kind of facial expression, just, like, be cool. Natural. Nothing’s going on here. Kappy narrows his eyes.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he says suspiciously. “What did you do?”

“Nothing,” Will says quickly, but Kappy’s eyes go immediately to his phone. He tries to swipe it off the table, but Kappy reaches out lightning fast and snatches it up before he can, and because Will’s phone is a fucking traitor the notification’s still there on the screen like a scarlet fucking letter.

Kappy’s eyebrows shoot up into his hairline.

“Give me that,” Will says, yanking the phone out of his hand. “Don’t make that face. It’s not a big deal.”

“Yeah, no, that’s shit,” Kappy says, shaking his head. “You should see the look on your face. This is getting weird, man. Does he even know who you are?”

Will shrugs. “Does it matter?”

“Does it matter if your fucking twitter crush knows you’re dating his ex? I don’t know, you tell me.”

“I haven’t got a crush,” Will says, rolling his eyes and conveniently ignoring the other part. Kappy just shakes his head again, like he thinks Will’s lying.

Will’s starting to think he might be too.

*

Having a crush on someone definitely isn’t cheating, Will’s confident of that. How many people have crushes on celebrities while they’re dating someone else, while they’re married, even? Sure, Zach’s not a celebrity, and the whole ex situation is a little fucked up, but it’s okay to be attracted to someone else as long as he never does anything about it.

It’s kind of weird being attracted to someone he’s never actually seen, but whatever. Will has depth, okay. He’s about more than just looks.

But then Zach finally does it. He posts a photo. Will’s sitting on the couch with Auston half watching a movie and he should probably just look at it later, but he can’t quite bring himself to wait. He yawns, uses it as a pretext to shift sideways on the couch so his knees are angled towards Auston and his phone screen’s pointed the other way where Auston can’t see, and he taps on the photo.

It’s not a selfie. It’s a photo someone else took, maybe even a professional photographer, because it looks kind of posed. Zach’s standing in a book-liked study with golden afternoon sun streaming in through the window, and he’s holding a book and beaming at the camera.

It takes Will a few seconds to get around to actually going back and reading the tweet, because he gets kind of stuck on Zach’s smile, wide and sunny and unaffected in a way that feels like it’s punching Will in the chest. He’s _cute_. Maybe not Auston-Matthews-sullen-insta-model gorgeous, but...really fucking cute.

_**@ZachHyman** Can’t wait for the launch of The Magician's Secret on Sunday!_

He has to go over it a couple of times to understand what he’s reading, but finally the connection between the words and the picture clicks. He wrote a book? He wrote a book! Wow, he’s so _smart_. Will can’t even imagine writing an entire book. He’s nice and he’s kind to animals and he loves his family and he’s really fucking cute _and_ he’s smart enough to _write a book?_ Will is overwhelmed. He sinks lower into the couch cushions with this dumb, giggly feeling building in his chest. How is this guy even real?

Okay, this is stupid, Auston’s right there. He can’t just sit here staring at a picture of The Ex like some kind of lovestruck idiot, what’s the matter with him? He looks up at Auston to distract himself, nudging him with his knee, but when he opens his mouth what comes out is:

“Did you know your ex wrote a book?”

Auston looks away from the TV, blinking.

“Zach?” He wrinkles his nose. “A book? Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Will says, scrolling down the thread for all the details. “It comes out in like a week. It’s a kids’ book. It actually sounds really cute.”

“A kids’ book,” Auston repeats. “A _cute_ kids’ book? No, come on, you’re joking.”

“I’m not!” Will says, holding out the phone. “Look, here.”

Auston takes the phone and stares at it, frowning as he scrolls back up to the photo at the top of the thread. He stares for a long time, with his forehead getting more and more wrinkled with every second. Finally he looks up.

“Will,” he says flatly. “I have never seen this guy before in my life.”

“What?” Will blinks at him, uncomprehendingly. “What are you talking about?”

“That’s not...who is this?” he squints at the screen. “Zach Hyman? I’ve never heard of him. Have you just been creeping on some totally random Zach on twitter?”

“He’s not _random_ ,” Will says. “Like, twitter suggested him to me, Larkin and Mitch and a bunch of other guys are following him, I thought he was…”

“Oh my god, Mitch follows everyone,” Auston says dismissively. “Larks probably went to school with him or something. It’s not like Zach’s an uncommon name, is it? My Za-- _my ex_ is so not the kind of guy who writes _books_ , let alone books for kids. Jesus. I mean, look at this dude, he looks like a kindergarten teacher.”

Will laughs, because it’s true, and then feels bad because it seems like Auston means it as an insult and he thinks Zach’s, like, a _hot_ kindergarten teacher. The kindergarten teacher all the moms have a crush on because he’s sweet and smart and really good with the kids. Like, sure, he’s wearing a button down and a sweater with the sleeves rolled up, but he’s got fucking nice forearms that make Will wonder what else he’s hiding under that sweater.

That’s probably not something he should be wondering while Auston’s sitting right next to him, scowling. He wipes the grin off his face.

“Are you pissed?”

Auston sighs. “No. No, I’m not pissed at _you_ , I just…” he rubs a hand over his face. “I try not to think about him that much, you know. This whole twitter thing...it just brought up a bunch of shit, and now that’s for no reason and I...it’s a lot, that’s all.”

 _You might have better luck not thinking about him if you didn’t talk about him all the time_ , Will thinks, but he keeps it to himself. “Sorry,” he says instead.

Auston shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.” He looks up with this wry little smile and says, “I’m sorry you wasted your time following some nerdy stranger just so you could, like, report back to me. C’mere.”

He reaches for Will, and Will goes, and he tries not to think about Zach’s arms while he’s got Auston’s wrapped around him.

*

Will tries not to think about a lot of things. For instance, he doesn’t really think too deeply about whether it’s a good idea to go to the book launch until he’s already there and it’s too late to back out.

He arrives late, because it’s in this tiny little independent bookshop he’s never heard of and it takes forever to find the place, and when he walks in he realises it’s a really small event and people would definitely notice if he walked out again. There’s only about twenty adults here, and Will feels instantly out of place. He probably should have expected this, but the audience is a bunch of other sweet kindergarten-teacher-y looking people in, like, brightly coloured cardigans and librarian glasses, all standing around attentively while Zach reads to them from his book. There are a lot of kids, too. Which makes sense, right. It is a book for kids.

One of the kindergarten-teacher-y people comes up to Will as he slips in at the back of the crowd and smiles apologetically. She’s wearing a nametag that says _Laura_ and she’s got a tattoo of a pair of purple knitting needles on the inside of her forearm.

“Sorry,” she tells him in a whisper, “We’ve got a little event on today. Can I help you find anything?”

“Um,” says Will. “No, it’s cool, I’m here for the...the thing. The book launch.”

“Oh!” says the shop lady, looking kind of taken aback. “I’m sorry, I didn’t...well, great, enjoy! There’s going to be a Q&A after the reading and then Zach’s going to sign some books so…” she looks him up and down politely, and Will feels suddenly very conscious of the lack of books in his hands. “We’ve got a display just over here if you’d like to pick up a copy today.”

“Nice, thanks,” Will says, edging towards the little table she pointed out, with a stack of copies of the book and a little sign with Zach’s face on it. He picks one up and flicks through it without really looking at the pages until the lady turns away, and then he finally lets himself look up at Zach.

Sometimes people can look really good in still photos and then when you hear them talk it kind of...ruins it. Something about their weird voice or their awkward facial expressions spoils the magic of a nice face in good lighting or whatever. This is, like...the opposite of that. Will watches Zach read from his book, with his eyes lowered almost shyly and this gentle little smile curving his mouth, and he lets the words wash over him without really taking them in, just enjoying the music of Zach’s voice, and he feels like his heart is being squeezed inside his chest.

Wow, he is absolutely fucked.

He lurks guiltily up the back during the Q&A session while Zach answers questions from adorable children about things like his favourite book when he was little and what kind of ice cream he likes, and then serious grown up questions about the writing craft and stuff. Most of those answers go over his head, but he likes the way Zach can switch between cute and kid-friendly and serious and articulate so easily. Mostly Will likes the way he talks with his hands. He’s got really nice hands.

He considers leaving after the Q&A, but he’s got this book now and his heart rate inexplicably kicks up a notch when the book shop staff start setting up a table for the signing, and he can’t quite bring himself to walk out the door. So he joins the line to get his book signed. It’s possible Zach won’t even recognise him, anyway. He’s only liked one selfie. He probably hasn’t even looked at any of Will’s other tweets.

Will gets to the front of the queue, hands over his book, and Zach looks up, smiling. As soon as their eyes meet the smile slides right off his face

“Oh!” he says, turning bright red. 

So. Maybe he did look at more than one tweet.

“Hey,” says Will, just to be sure. “I’m Will. From--”

“From twitter,” Zach says. “Yeah, I...um. Hi.” His smile comes back, not the slightly pasted on looking one from before but both shyer and warmer at the same time. “Thanks for coming.”

God, Will is so fucking charmed. It makes him feel a little bolder, so he shrugs, smirking a little. “Well you seemed so excited about it, I thought I should come and, uh,” he lets his gaze drift down and then up again, just for the way Zach’s blush deepens, “check it out.”

They sort of stare at each other for a few seconds, as if Zach’s forgotten what he’s supposed to be doing. Then the woman standing behind Will coughs politely and Zach jumps, looking around him at the queue.

“Um,” he says, “I should probably...keep the line moving. But...but thank you. For coming.”

“You said that already,” Will grins. Zach finishes signing his book, and then he pauses, like he’s considering something, and scrawls something else underneath his signature.

“Well,” he says as he hands the book back. “I really mean it.”

Will waits until he gets outside before he checks out the inscription. Zach’s got a nice autograph, he thinks, with a big loopy cursive Z at the front. But even nicer is the phone number he wrote in underneath.

*

Will doesn’t bother waiting to text him. It’s not like it’s going anywhere, anyway, so there’s no need to do the disinterested date thing. They meet up for coffee the next day in a little cafe near the bookshop and Zach seems to struggle to wrap his head around Will not working with children or books at all.

“So, you’re not a teacher, and you’re not in the book industry…are you a librarian?”

“Me?” Will laughs. “God no. I don’t think they let people like me be librarians.” He can’t remember the last time he read anything longer than a Sportsnet feature article.

“They let all kinds of people be librarians,” Zach says, sounding amused. “One of the librarians at the launch yesterday fronts a punk rock band in her spare time. But I mean...if you’re not from the, uh, _children’s literature scene_ ,” he gives a self deprecating little laugh, “how come you came? To the launch?”

Will shrugs, tips his chair back on two legs and gives Zach a lazy smile. “Dunno,” he says. “Maybe it’s fate.”

Zach raises his eyebrows and then kicks his chair under the table and Will yelps as it nearly topples over. “Really,” he says, and then cracks up, and Will laughs too because that big goofy smile is just so fucking cute, he can’t stand it.

“No, okay, but it _was_ kind of an accident,” he says, settling his chair back on the floor again. “It’s a funny story, actually.”

Will tells him the whole thing, about Auston’s shitty ex and the twitter recommendation and the mistaken identity. He makes it sound a lot more madcap and funny than it actually was, and Zach laughs in all the right places, which is gratifying. Will considers downplaying who Auston is to him, but he really likes Zach, and he doesn’t want to lie.

“That _is_ pretty funny,” Zach agrees when he’s finished, smiling. “I did wonder who was behind all those likes.”

Will spreads his hands. “Here I am.”

“Here you are,” says Zach, in this strange, slow voice that feels like...like fingers running down Will’s spine or something. He doesn’t actually shiver, but it’s a near thing. “Your boyfriend though. Was he that guy way back in your old tweets?” Zach says, and then turns pink when he realises what he just said. Will grins.

“You scrolled right back, huh,” he says. Zach laughs, still blushing, and it’s the cutest fucking thing Will’s probably ever seen.

“Well, you’re pretty fun to look at,” he says, and Will grins even harder. He wants to laugh, not because it’s actually funny but because he feels full up with, like, giddiness, like he might explode. “Sorry,” Zach adds, “I probably shouldn’t have said that. The boyfriend thing.”

“Oh, it’s cool,” Will says. He leans forward and puts his hand over Zach’s on the table. It’s only the lightest touch, but it feels like sparks flying off his fingertips, exhilarating and a little risky. “I don’t mind.”

Zach’s still smiling back but it’s kind of smaller now, like he’s trying not to. He slips his hand out from under Will’s. “Okay,” he says, “but I kind of do.”

Will feels himself flush slightly, a little guilty and a little ashamed. He doesn’t think he’s making a great impression. But Zach leaves his hand resting on the table nearby, so close their pinkies are almost touching, and that feels like something.

“You don’t tweet about him any more,” Zach says, sort of fake casually. 

Will knows, all of a sudden, that it’s kind of an invitation to reassure Zach that flirting like this is an okay thing to do. It’s an opening to talk about how it’s not working with him and Auston, and things just aren’t the same between them these days and whatever, and it’s not like that isn’t _true_ , but it’s kind of bullshit as well. Saying that stuff now, here, to a guy he’s so into and can’t seem to stop himself flirting with...it’s not the same as complaining to Kappy about Auston being a shitty boyfriend. It feels like he’d be crossing a line that can’t be uncrossed.

He clears his throat. “Yeah,” he says, picking up his coffee with both hands. He forces a smile. “He’s kind of picky about selfies.”

*

Will’s been crossing a lot of lines lately.

They’re not dates. Neither of them admit to them being dates, anyway. They’re just...two guys who hang out sometimes. Okay, often, who hang out often. But it’s because they’re _friends_. Like, okay, they’re both definitely attracted to each other, there’s no point pretending they aren’t, but it’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with being friends, good friends, who sit close together in the back booth of the bar, who laugh until they have to hold each other up, leaning into each other’s space. Friends who share long hugs goodbye when they part ways. Technically, there’s nothing wrong with any of that.

Will doesn’t tell Auston about it, all the same.

“You know this is fucked up, right?” Kappy says, when Will tells him. “You’re dating him. You’re dating the twitter children’s book author fake ex. Except, and you might have forgotten this, but I think it’s pretty important: you’re _already dating someone else_.”

“We’re not _dating_ ,” Will protests. “We’re just hanging out.”

“Oh my god, can you even hear yourself? _Hanging out_. You sound like a fucking douche. You see each other all the time…”

“I see _you_ all the time.”

“...and you want to fuck him, so. You’re dating.”

“But I’m not _going_ to fuck him,” Will says, like he’s laying down a trump card. “So it’s fine. Q.E.D.”

He’s not completely sure what Q.E.D. means, but it’s something Zach says sometimes and it makes him sound intimidatingly smart, so Will’s kind of hoping he can intimidate Kappy into dropping this. Kappy just stares at him.

“If you don’t want to be with Auston any more, you should tell him that.”

“I didn’t _say_ that,” Will says, frowning. “And anyway, it’s not that simple.”

Breakups are _messy_. Even with someone as allergic to feelings as Auston, a breakup is inevitably going to end up ugly and emotional and just...not chill. Everything about Will and Auston has always been chill. Plus they live together, so breaking up is a whole different kind of complicated where Will has to find somewhere else to live and they have to work out who owns the Xbox and who gets to keep which bits from the kitchen and all that shit. Will’s a good boyfriend, easy to get along with, doesn’t make things messy or difficult, there’s no reason why he can’t just keep being that and not cause any drama. It’s not like Auston’s noticed a difference anyway.

“This is just shitty, Will,” Kappy says, shaking his head. “You know it is.”

He does know. But he doesn’t like knowing it, so he tips his head back and groans. “I don’t want to talk about this any more.”

“Fine,” Kappy says, folding his arms. “But I feel really sorry for Auston right now. His boyfriend’s a dick.”

*

“Not that I’m complaining,” Auston says breathlessly as Will gets up off his knees and climbs onto the couch, “but what was that for?”

Will shrugs. “Just felt like it,” he says. It definitely wasn’t because the text he just got from Zach made him feel so simultaneously guilty and turned on that he thought he might have a stroke. Turns out writers are really good at walking the fine line between normal, appropriate messages to a friend and straight up sexting.

He knows Auston thinks kissing right after a blowjob is gross, so he puts his head on his shoulder instead, still guiltily craving contact. But Auston touches his chin and tips his head up to kiss him anyway.

“I thought you didn’t like that,” Will says.

“You do, though,” Auston says, and kisses him again, slow and sweet. 

He hasn’t mentioned The Ex in, like, weeks, not since they worked out that Zach wasn’t him. And now he’s being all _nice_ and _thoughtful_ and Will feels like he might choke on his own self loathing.

“You deserve to be happy,” he tells Auston seriously, and Auston makes a face.

“It’s just a kiss, Will, chill out.” He kisses Will one more time, probably to stop him saying any more uncomfortably sappy things, and then pulls back and wrinkles his nose. “Yeah, no, that’s still really gross,” he says. “Can you brush your teeth or something? Or, like, gargle?”

“Aw, Matty, if you wanted me to _gargle_ it you should’ve said something earlier,” says Will with an evil grin. 

Auston makes a hilariously disgusted sound and Will cackles and tries to lick his face, and in the resulting scuffle they both fall off the couch. Auston somehow manages to elbow him in the stomach, and Will nearly brains himself on the coffee table, and they collapse on top of eachother giggling helplessly.

Then Will’s phone buzzes in the pocket of his jeans, and they both reach for it, like Auston thinks it’s his. Like they’re both just waiting to hear from someone else. Will’s warm, giggly feeling fades.

“I don’t have to look at that right now,” he says, but Auston’s already sitting up, pushing his hair back out of his face and fishing out his own phone.

“Nah, it’s fine,” he says, without looking up. “I just remembered something I have to check on.”

Will hesitates. But only for a moment. Then he gets out his phone to read the new message from Zach.

*

They haven’t actually talked about it in so many words, but Will’s pretty sure he and Zach have been sticking to public places when they see each other as a kind of safety measure, like the presence of other people is the last barrier between them. It seems like a pretty fucking flimsy barrier when he’s letting his fingers trail over Zach’s knee under the table in some anonymous diner Auston would never be caught dead in, or leaning too heavily on his shoulder in a darkened bar in a part of town Auston never goes, but it’s plausible deniability. It’s not doing something that even Will will have to admit is just unambiguously wrong.

Ambiguously wrong he can deal with. Sort of.

Anyway, that’s probably why he feels so nervous walking into Zach’s apartment. It’s another flimsy barrier coming down when Zach closes the door behind them and his keys make this incredibly loud jangling sound in the tense silence. Will stands too close to him and knocks the backs of their hands together, and Zach gives him this shy little smile and says, “So, this is my place.”

Will looks around the entryway and says “Cosy.”

Zach laughs, and it breaks the tension a bit. A tiny bit. Will still feels like his heart’s going to beat out of his chest, but he manages a real smile, not just a nervous grimace. “Come on,” says Zach, heading inside. “Do you want a drink?”

The apartment is small - “Turns out children’s authors and masters students don’t really make bank,” Zach says wryly - but it _is_ cosy in a cluttered, disorganised kind of way. There are books everywhere and messy stacks of papers, and a really wild number of discarded coffee cups. Will spots one that says _fuck off, I’m writing_ and another with _I ♥ you a latke_ on it.

The kitchen’s so small there’s barely enough room to squeeze past each other, so Will wedges himself in the corner against the fridge while Zach somehow produces two more mugs and starts making coffee. He’s quiet while he works, but somehow that’s what calms Will down, the easy uncharged domesticity of it. He watches Zach’s hands while he pours and almost manages to forget he’s not supposed to be here, until Zach hands him a mug with _MR WRITE_ on the side and Will nearly drops it.

“Dude,” Zach laughs. “What?”

Will shakes his head. Zach narrows his eyes at him and takes the coffee mug out of his hands.

“Hey,” he says softly. “Talk to me.”

Will isn’t really a big talker, not about serious things. He’s never been great at explaining what he’s feeling to other people, but he’s never really had to be since Auston never wanted to hear it anyway. It takes him a while to work out what to say.

“You’re a good person,” he says at last. Zach cocks his head, uncomprehending, and Will sighs. “You’re _good_ , Zach. You rescue birds and write picture books and, I don’t know, you probably donate to charity every month. I keep meaning to donate to charity but I always forget.” He scrunches his face up. Donating to charity isn’t really the point. “I mean, fuck, the only reason I’m not cheating on my boyfriend right now is because you’re too good to, like, let me. I’m not a good person. Not at all.”

Zach looks at him. It’s a long, considering look that makes Will feel kind of exposed, like he’s being seen for the first time. He’s not sure whether it’s a bad feeling or a good one.

“Here’s what I think,” Zach says eventually. He puts the coffee down and leans one hand on the counter next to Will, but doesn’t make a move to touch him. He’s standing very close, all the same. “I think you’ve idealised me as someone ultra good because your boyfriend treats you like shit and you want someone to be nice to you. Which, yeah, it’s messed up. But I really…” he hesitates, and sways a little nearer, almost like it’s an accident. If someone was watching, they could think it was an accident. “I really want to be nice to you, Will.”

“Okay,” Will says. His heart feels like it’s beating too fast. “But the problem is...?”

“The problem is I think that proves I’m not all that good after all.”

Will can feel himself smirking and it’s probably, like, Not Appropriate but he can’t really help it. Nothing about this is funny but it’s like a reflex or something. “I’m kind of okay with you being bad.”

Zach huffs out a little breath of laughter and shakes his head. “Seriously, if you keep talking like that I’m going to call your bluff.”

Will really, _really_ wants him to call his bluff. He could do it, just let whatever happens happen, without having to make a move or feel like he’s making a decision. He could just stand here and let Zach kiss him, and deal with the consequences later. He licks his lips, anticipating it.

But he’s not stupid. Not doing anything is still making a choice, if he’s honest with himself.

He wraps his fingers around Zach’s wrist, a very light touch, the most he can probably stand to touch him without doing something impulsive that he’s going to regret later.

“Don’t,” he says, with a supreme effort. “Sorry. I want...I shouldn’t be here. I’ve got to go.”

*

He’s got no idea what he’s going to say to Auston when he gets home, but he has to say _something_. He pauses outside the door and takes a deep breath, to steel himself. Then he takes another one, just to be sure.

Auston doesn’t seem to hear him come in, which gives Will a moment to look at him without being seen. He’s sitting on the couch, smiling at something on his phone, and Will feels this tiny pulse of fondness at the familiarity of his profile, the one bit of hair that always falls in his face. It feels like a little tether between them, and Will knows that no matter how ready he is breaking it is going to fucking hurt.

Oh well. Here goes.

He coughs to make his presence known, and Auston jumps and drops the phone.

“Sorry,” says Will, bending down to pick it up before Auston can get up. “I was just—”

He looks at the phone as he goes to hand it back, and freezes.

The guy on the screen has black hair and broad bare shoulders and looks like every smug jock archetype Will has ever imagined. He’s got this cocky little half smile and a big scar under one eye, and he definitely does not look like a kindergarten teacher; not handsome or even cute, but kind of aggressively attractive anyway, like he might bite and make you like it.

Will knows who it is instantly, of course. He’s ten thousand times more Auston’s type than Will’s Zach would ever be.

“I’m--it’s not--” Auston splutters while Will stares at the photo. “We weren’t doing anything. I just got back in touch with him a few weeks ago when you...that whole twitter mixup thing. We’re just talking.”

Talking and, like, exchanging photos. The snap’s expired now, but Will can still see it as if it’s burned into his retinas. It’s definitely not the kind of shirtless selfie you put on your story where just anyone can see it. This is, like, personal. Intimate.

He’s pretty sure nobody’s ever said they weren’t doing anything if they weren’t feeling at least a little bit guilty.

Will’s not really a great boyfriend, or he hasn’t been. He’s not very attentive once the orgasms are over. He’s not very observant. He’s been so wrapped up in his own shit he barely even realised Auston was acting differently, but now he thinks about it, he’s been weird since Will worked out he was twitter stalking the wrong Zach, with all the kissing after blowjobs and never mentioning his ex. Will was so busy grappling with his own guilty conscience he didn’t even notice. But now...

“We weren’t _doing_ anything,” Auston says again, and it sounds even more defensive this time. “I don’t even know what the problem is.”

Will just stares at him. He knows what he’s going to say before he says it, can feel it coming like a freight train bearing down. He feels sick with the inevitability of it, and wants to laugh at the same time. Not because it’s funny but because it’s just...fucking… _unreal_.

Zach would probably call this dramatic irony.

“It’s not like I’ve been cheating on you.”


End file.
